"ROST IN TLANSRATION": THE ANDY KLEIN STORY

Actually, you don't have to go far to figure out veteran movie review guru Andy Klein. Just take the last two syllables of his name and you'll get the picture: this is a critic on the "decline."

Try this at home. Round up a group of your Asian and/or Asian-American pals - Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Thai (makes no difference). Shoot a quickie martial arts flick or creature feature with Daddy's digital camera. After you're finished editing it, select from any combination of the following words: "Yellow," "Black," "Bride," "Curse," "Hard," "Attack," "Mask," "Boy," "Girl," "Dragon," "Tiger," "Gong," "Blossom," "Sword," "Armor," "Killer," "Deadly," and "Master." So now you've got your completed film: "Curse of the Yellow Mask" or "Attack of the Black Tiger" or "Master of the Dragon Sword." Great. Now dub a copy, send your DVD to L.A. Citybeat, c/o Mr. Andy Klein, then sit back and wait a week for Andy Klein's gushing review to see print.

I'm not kidding. This is a guy who can not review THE DEPARTED without pointing out how superior INFERNAL AFFAIRS is. He can not tell you how fantastic IRON GIANT is without mentioning that it's his second favorite animated feature of all-time, sandwiched in-between PRINCESS MONONOKE and SPIRITED AWAY. He once likened CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON to a clever blend of Sergio Leone, Buster Keaton and Preston Sturges. But let's face it: the movie should've been titled CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAG-ON...AND ON...AND ON...AND ON! Klein has put Lee on a pedestal high enough to go BROKEBACK on him.

Director Ang Lee is a perfect candidate for the Andy Klein BJ Hall of Fame because the guy not only has a martial arts epic on his resume but he also lensed THE HULK, which covers Klein's other unabashed bias - the superhero film. Andy Klein remains the only critic to have ever championed this mishap of a Marvel Comic adaptation; a film so bad that THEY'RE ALREADY REMAKING IT...ONLY FOUR YEARS LATER! When it comes to a Hulk movie, Andy Klein, take it from me, every other critic in America, and about 10 million comic book buffs: "Mr. McGee....You wouldn't like me when I'm Ang Lee."

So why do I have my mawashi in a bunch? Well, have you read this week's L.A. CITYBEAT review for TRANSFORMERS? He dismisses the Michael Bay toy/comic-based blockbuster thusly:

"Bay's notion of excitement is to smash up bunches of stuff on screen, with no rhyme or reason, no characters to care about, and no clarity or structure to the action. If that floats your boat, go ahead and have a blast. I'll be in the next auditorium, rewatching LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD."

What the fuck? If I want characters to care about, I'll go see FORREST GUMP! Something tells me if this feature had been directed by Seijun Suzuki and involved giant robots battling it out in the middle of Tokyo instead of the plain ol' U.S. of A., this review would read more like an endorsement to let Bay join Mensa International.

In the process of dissing TRANCE-FORMERS (his dumb pun, not mine!), Klein even takes a moment to sam Slam Raimi...I mean slam Sam Raimi: "Honestly, it's not like I went into a film based on a merchandising concept expecting BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN or THE TERMINATOR or even SPIDER-MAN. But I could at least hope for SPIDER-MAN 3..."

This from the guy who loved, loved LOVED SPIDER-MAN 2...yet he HATES SPIDER-MAN 3 with a passion. Seriously, dude, ultimately, in the big scheme...WHAT'S THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE?! IT'S THE SAME FREAKING MOVIE MADE THREE TIMES!

I only pray that when Wong Kar Wai's MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS comes out later this year, we don't get an Andy Klein-penned CITYBEAT cover story hailing it as the best motion picture since THE GRAND ILLUSION.

- This is Karry Ling reporting for CRITICIDE

Dear Andy Klein,

You're a critic with a two-track mind. Time to broaden your horizons...beyond the Far East. As a Chinese-American, I can spot a Jewish guy with an Asian fetish from a mile away...and I'd really appreciate it if you to stay a mile away...from the cineplex!

Love and dim sum,
Karry Ling