THE ANDYMAN FAN

I know speaking ill of the ill is even worse than speaking ill of the dead, so I'll hold off on making a hamburger out of that sacred cow, Roger Ebert. At least for a couple weeks. Instead, right now I'd like to accentuate the positive with a heartfelt rave review of one of the most underrated, under-appreciated critics alive. His name is Andy Klein, and his game is truthsaying.

Speaking of hamburgers... As a kid, back in the mid-eighties, I suffered from an affliction known as Astro Burger's Syndrome. Donkey Kong, Pac Man... even Elevator Action. I spent more time inside that AB on Santa Monica and Gardner than Jerry Stahl spent out in front of it scoring H. And once a week, on the day The L.A. Reader hit the stands, I would anxiously run down there to grab a copy, only to find myself LMAO at Matt Groening's "Life In Hell" and David Lynch's "Angriest Dog In The World"... but only after reading AK's latest movie review. Bullshit soaked in perfume is still bullshit, and that's what you get from most critics - but not what you get from Andy.

Andy Klein is like a great prizefighter who delivers punches only when necessary, and does not, in the process, wear himself out. He doesn't wear the reader out, either. Two-fisted, no-nonsense body blows - that's what you get from Andy. And not unlike Republican Welterweight Ron Paul, but with the flair of an old-school journalist, he's ready to scrap for what he believes in and against each injustice he finds himself in the ring with, even if it means going up against his sheep-like colleagues. And, unlike the fancy car-driving pushover critics (you know who I mean), he never took a dive. Take a gander at Andy's Top 10 list of 2005, and note that "Crash" is nowhere on the list. In fact, here's what he's said about The Big "C": "contrived, schematic, and way overpraised, with its checklist of good African American, bad African American, good white cop, bad white cop, etc." How's that for an Uppercut-A-Palooza?!?! Anyway, here's that list... are you down for the count-down?

Andy’s Top 10 of 2005

1. Batman Begins. It only took four titles for Warner’s Batman franchise to fall apart, declining from the inspired sloppiness of Tim Burton’s first two entries to the campy excess of Joel Schumacher’s Batman and Robin. After a hiatus of eight years, the studio made the surprising, but wise, decision to bring in Christopher Nolan (Memento) to revive the moribund series. Nolan’s strategy was simply to approach this 66-year-old iconic character with respect. Gone are any vestiges of campiness or surreal production design or strangely unpatched plot holes. He puts Batman in a relatively real world and makes us understand why he strikes fear in the hearts of the bad guys. The result is darker, more disturbing, and far more character-oriented than its predecessors without forgoing the requisite action sequences. (Christopher Nolan, U.S.)

Look, I never saw it... just not my thing. Never considered watching it. Once, while I was browsing at Blockbuster with some chick (my mom, I think), she suggested renting it. With all the sincerity I could muster, which wasn't much, I said... "Uh... I... already saw it." But, this guy's got balls for topping his list with it. Great big ones, but not as big as the balls of...

2. King Kong. Another intimidating icon gets an update, this time Merian C. Cooper and Ernest Schoedsack’s oversized gorilla. Peter Jackson not only takes advantage of technical possibilities that didn’t exist in 1933, but, more importantly, fleshes out the relationship between Kong and his human paramour, which was always one of the most confused elements in the original. It might not have worked, were it not for the extraordinary Naomi Watts and the work of Andy Serkis, whose performance was transferred to Kong through the same techniques used for his Gollum in The Lord of the Rings. Jackson has added a lot of humor and expanded the action sequences, none of which I would have wanted to miss. Still, at three hours and seven minutes, the whole might be too much of a good thing. (Peter Jackson, New Zealand/U.S.)

Couldn't get over the use of a song recorded in the fifties by Peggy Lee. Why didn't they just use a recording of the same song from the thirties, when the story supposedly took place? Ruined the whole movie for me, but I thoroughly enjoyed the glowing review.

3. Oldboy. Park Chan-wook’s dazzling thriller – about a middle-class man (Choi Min-sik) who escapes (or is released) from a bizarre private prison and then tries to find out who had him locked up … and why – may sound ridiculous, but eventually comes together in a way that at least makes sense within the film’s heightened universe. The style – both visually and on the soundtrack – is so rich that Park finesses us past any sticky points. Some may argue that the film is essentially empty: all effect and contrivance, but so hermetically sealed off from the real world as to be trivial. But there are rich thematic underpinnings here that justify Park’s excesses. (Park Chan-wook, South Korea)

Yes, Mister Klein has one weakness. His Achilles is Asian Cinema. This movie is okay, but it's no "Kung Fu Hustle," which had action, romance, humor, and real emotional depth, not the kind of shoehorned heart at the core of "Oldboy." Andy, if you're out there, when you're reviewing films, put away the manga cards and ease up. BTW, "KFH" was my number one pick that year.

4. The Aristocrats. Okay: call me crazy, but this documentary from comedians Penn Jillette (producer) and Paul Provenza (producer/director) gave me more sheer pleasure than anything else I saw this year. Multiple viewings did nothing to diminish my nearly health-threatening laughter. The pair taped more than 100 of their colleagues, telling their individual versions of a classic dirty joke called “The Aristocrats,” or alternately discussing it, analyzing it, re-creating it in endless ways. Provenza has edited the film to touch on a whole variety of serious (in the good way) issues about humor and jokes and taboos and bad taste and being a comedian, without ever getting serious (in the bad way). (Paul Provenza, U.S.)

If there's one thing AK has, it's a great sense of humor. I'll never forget reading his review of "Swing Kids," a movie about an underground Jitterbug craze/movement in Germany (during the reign of Adolf Hitler). Although the film itself is not a comedy, in his review Andy evoked the name of one of America's greatest humorists, the too often ignored Jack Douglas, describing the film's concept as one he would've enjoyed. In addition to writing for "Laugh In" and a host of comedians including Jack Paar, Jack Douglas wrote some of the funniest books ever written, including, "My Brother Was An Only Child," "The Neighbors Are Scaring My Wolf," and "A Funny Thing Happened To Me On My Way To The Grave." Andy brought him up again in a review of the Woody Allen film "Anything Else" - "By way of incomplete homage, Dobel (Allen) makes mention of Jack Douglas’s hysterical book Never Trust a Naked Bus Driver – which I pretty much worshiped in junior high school – without, I’m sad to say, crediting Douglas as other than 'a very funny man.'” Kudos, Andy, for acknowledging a great writer who probably had more than just a little influence on the earlier, sillier writing-style of The Woodman.

5. Brokeback Mountain. Ang Lee’s sensitive adaptation of Annie Proulx’s short story has been deservedly racking up awards. Despite what sounds like the world’s least commercial concept – two cowboys (Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal) fall in love with each other in the early 1960s – it seems to be touching the hearts of multitudes who are neither gay nor cowboys. The film doesn’t really pick up until a half hour in, when the two are separated and have to retreat into some very well-guarded closets. It’s downbeat, but the leads carry it off, particularly Ledger, who gets more to work with. (Ang Lee, U.S.)

Think they should've kept the original title ("High Moon"). AK, maybe you can tell me why, in a rural town during a time when Vietnam was supposed to have been raging, there was no mention of the war. Wouldn't that authenticity have made the film resonate more? Or do you think it would've distracted everyone from something infinitely more important - man-kissing?!?

6. Capote. Director Bennett Miller and screenwriter Dan Futterman tell the story of famed writer Truman Capote researching and writing his crime bestseller In Cold Blood. On the level of gestures and speech – that is, of impersonation – Philip Seymour Hoffman is just about perfect, but he is also convincing in the more important ways – in terms of creating an intimate sense of the writer’s internal, spiritual conflict. (Bennett Miller, U.S.)

Hey, nobody asked who the best male impersonator was. And as far as I know, Phillip Seymour Hoffman IS a male. Hell-o-o!

7. Good Night, and Good Luck. In addition to coproducing and starring in Stephen Gaghan’s Syriana, George Clooney directed and cowrote this re-creation of Edward R. Murrow’s risky opposition to McCarthyism. David Strathairn impressively captures Murrow. It’s both a political parable – with obvious resonance in post-9/11 America – and an homage to the early days of TV journalism. (George Clooney, U.S.)

I'm sorry, Andy, but who wants to see a movie about some guy who obviously stole Keith Olbermann's act? Move over, Carlos Mencia. You got nothin' on this Murrow fellow.

8. Caché (Hidden). Austrian director Michael Haneke is a professional cinema provocateur, whose narrative experiments match his harsh indictment of the smug bourgeoisie. Daniel Auteuil and Juliette Binoche play a couple whose lives are turned upside down by a series of anonymous videotapes, which may be the revenge of an Algerian the husband wronged 40 years earlier, when both were children. The film is a thriller, but not the sort we’re accustomed to. For one thing, the central riddle – who’s sending the tapes? and why – is never satisfactorily resolved, even for viewers who notice the crucial, barely visible hint during the final shot. (Michael Haneke, France)

You had to do it, didn't you? A French film on your Top Ten list? Well, isn't that perfect? Maybe you're just like the rest after all. Call me post-tentious, but that's not just a red flag... it's a blue, white and red flag. You, sir, suddenly smack of cheese and condescension.

9. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. With an assist from codirector Steve Box, Nick Park, who has yet to disappoint, returns to Wallace and Gromit – the plasticene-animated characters of his early shorts. W & G’s first feature is essentially more of the same – and that’s a good thing. The humor is all of a piece with the shorts, dense with background jokes. Kids will probably love it, though there may be even more here for adults. (Nick Park/Steve Box, U.K.)

Don't know if you're a father, Mr. Klein, but a lot of things "kids would probably love" aren't good for them. In fact, they're downright life-threatening. Just because it's shiny doesn't mean a kid should swallow a fifty-cent piece. Grow up and smell the danger, A-hole! The Aussies are taking over!

10. Match Point. After a string of mediocre to passable films, Woody Allen fans had good reason to wonder whether the once revered filmmaker had lost it. This new entry – which covers some of the same turf as the 1990 Crimes and Misdemeanors, one of his true masterpieces – should put their fears to rest. For more, see the review elsewhere in this issue. (Woody Allen, U.S./U.K.)

WHAT?!?! That sounds vaguely like something E.T. might have spewed! And now that I think about it, your review of "Sicko," although not as jaw-droppingly offensive as Miss Taylor's, did also cause you to dredge up your personal life.

"So, a couple of months ago, I was getting jerked around by my health plan. The details are probably of interest to no one but me and a few friends (and I’m not so sure about them), but suffice it to say that it seems to have all worked out. Various functionaries kept telling me I was out of luck, citing a succession of bogus reasons, but my experiences years ago navigating the financial aid office at UCLA taught me a valuable lesson: The red tape is designed to wear you down, in hopes that you’ll just give up. So don’t."

Dear Andy Klein,

Stopping short of accusing you of literally sleeping with the enemy (although I can't think of any other logical explanation for the eerie similarities between Ella Taylor's review of "Sicko" and yours ), I will say this - you still work at a paper that has retained a certain amount of respectability, thanks mostly to you (and the fact that L.A. CityBeat is not at the mercy of corrosive political correctness). My advice is to stay away from her. At all costs! She will eat your soul for breakfast, tell you it's delicious, then make some snarky remark about how she prefers the taste of kippers. Leave her now, even if she promises a three-way with Manohla Dargis.
Your Cutman,

Salty Milkduds