L.A. TIMES to Joel Siegel: U.I.P.* (*Unrest in Piece)

Nothing gets my goat like those wise guys at the Times. It’s one thing to review a movie…but to review a movie reviewer? In his own obituary, no less. When the Yiddish people invented chutzpah, they never intended for this, let me tell you!

Last week’s obituary for Joel Siegel, crafted by Los Angeles Times “word wizard” Dennis McLellan, reached new heights for a low blow, especially when the poor subject of his “rapier wit” is not around any longer to fight back. I guess the editorial shake-ups at the Times also jostled a few heads of the still-employed, including la tete d’ enfant terrible Dennis McLellan, Times “Staff Writer.” He certainly writes his Great Beyond bios as if wielding a staff; as if going to war…against the dearly departed, no less?

In the interest of defending the victim of this crude IED (“In-Effective Death-Notice”) and preserving worldwide karma, I will now “undertake” to “unearth” McLellan’s true agenda and “embalm” him in his own vitriol.

OBITUARIES
Joel Siegel, 63; film critic on ABC's 'Good Morning America'
By Dennis McLellan, Times Staff Writer
June 30, 2007

Joel Siegel, the Emmy Award-winning longtime film critic and entertainment editor for ABC's "Good Morning America" and WABC-TV in New York, died Friday. He was 63.

OK, this starts out like a normal obituary, which makes the rest of this piece all the more infuriating.

Siegel, who continued to work until two weeks before his death, died in New York after a long battle with colon cancer, ABC News said.

Okeedokee, here is where my beef with Dennis McLellan begins to char broil like a forgotten Oscar Meyer wiener at a Fourth of July picnic. Notice the sly commentary about Siegel’s poor work ethic? The sinister insinuation here is that Siegel should have worked another two weeks instead of slacking off and taking the fortnight to deteriorate from colon cancer. Talk about callous! Then McLellan has the gall to attribute the entire quote to ABC News…as if ABC News can talk. Reality check: Last I heard, ABC News is a news program, McLellan, not a person! Snap out of it, Dennis!

The mustachioed Siegel, who joined "Good Morning America" in 1981, was remembered by his ABC News colleagues for his wit and passion for the arts.

“Mustachioed,” Dennis? Was it really necessary to take this cheap shot at America’s greatest living TV movie critic who is no longer living anymore (Roger Ebert notwithstanding)? How petty and disrespectful. Oh, and perhaps the writer of your obituary some day (soon?) should emphasize your foibles - ie. “The dickless Dennis McLellan joined the Times staff in 1991.”
Evidently, McLellan could not conceal some kind of facial hair envy that he had to go and emphasize the guy’s ‘stache over his quality movie review work that often could single-handedly launch a blockbuster or kill a movie’s box office.
(Admittedly, the latter only happened once – in 1983 – with his lukewarm review for Joysticks. Otherwise, Siegel thoroughly enjoyed every movie ever made).

To add insult to injury, McLellan obviously did not watch the 9/8/88 edition of Good Morning America in which Siegel confessed that he wore the mustache to save his life…because he was under a Government Witness Protection program. Persian clerics had put a fatwa on his head because he gave an enthusiastic review to Hot Shots Part Deux, which was widely interpreted as a critique against Islam.
What kind of researcher are you, Dennis, to omit this key fact from your obit? No chops, kid!

"Joel was an important part of ABC News, and we will miss him," ABC News President David Westin said in a news release. "He was a brilliant reviewer and a great reporter. But much more, he was our dear friend and colleague."

“In a news release,” Dennis? Here, McLellan puts the “dunce” in “redundance.” Of course it’s a news release, astro boy! That’s the President of ABC News saying it. So, by definition, it’s a release of news! What else would it be? Here’s a sentence for McLellan: "Joel was an important part of ABC News, and we will miss him," the news-filled ABC News President of News David Westin said in a newsy news release, filled with juicy news, on the evening news. Hey, Dennis, is that enough news for you? Sheesh!

ABC anchor Charles Gibson described Siegel as "brilliant" and "a man of impeccable taste."

Why put Chumpy Charlie’s statement in sarcasm quotation marks? Obviously, there’s some rivalry here (professional jealousy?), and McLellan doesn’t believe a word that Gibson is saying. Come on, you two! Take it outside and duke it out behind the barn, but don’t use Siegel’s obit as the venue for your pissing contest!

"When Joel came into your office to talk about anything — it was going to be interesting and you were going to learn something," Gibson, former co-anchor of "Good Morning America," said on the ABC News website. "He had an inexhaustible supply of stories — most funny, many poignant, all with a point or a punch line."

Gibson said on the ABC News website. It probably was typed up, not spoken. Think about it.

As entertainment editor for "Good Morning America," Siegel interviewed scores of celebrities such as Paul Newman, Halle Berry, Brad Pitt, George Burns, Gene Kelly, Jack Lemmon and all four of the Beatles. His annual Oscar broadcast, "Joel Siegel's Road to the Academy Awards," aired for 10 years on WABC-TV and also was syndicated.

This is sooo typical. The obituary writer, no doubt a struggling screenwriter himself, kisses up to Hollywood by namedropping Halle Berry and Brad Pitt, among others. Sooo self-serving. Now you know why the rest of the world hates us. Oh, and McLellan, here’s a news flash: Jack Lemmon never fronted the Beatles!

For his television work, Siegel received five New York-market Emmy Awards. He also co-wrote the book for the 1981 musical "The First," which earned him a Tony nomination.

"New York-market Emmy Awards"? Again, McLellan uses Siegel’s incredible achievement as a backhanded compliment. An Emmy is an Emmy, McLellan….and that’s five more Emmys than you’ll ever win in your lifetime!

Siegel was 54 when doctors informed him that he had colon cancer in 1997, shortly after he learned that his third wife, artist Ena Swansea, was pregnant and he was going to be a first-time father. Concerned that he may not live long enough for his young son to get to know him, Siegel wrote the 2003 memoir "Lessons for Dylan: From Father to Son."

"I was in my 50s when Dylan was born, so even in the best of times I couldn't expect to spend more than a score or so of years with him," Siegel told the Chicago Jewish News in 2003. "And it hasn't been the best of times, not with three cancer surgeries and chemo and CAT scans and six months of radiation in the past five years."

In 1991, Siegel co-founded (along with actor Gene Wilder and others) Gilda's Club, a nonprofit organization that operates facilities offering emotional and social support for cancer patients and their friends and families. He also testified before Congress on behalf of cancer patients.

Born in Los Angeles on July 7, 1943, Siegel graduated cum laude from UCLA in 1965 with a degree in history.

While at UCLA, he registered voters in Georgia and marched with the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. "I was a civil rights worker and I'm really proud of that," he wrote to his son in his memoir.

Siegel, who served in the Army Reserve from 1967 to 1973, wrote jokes for Sen. Robert F. Kennedy (D-N.Y.), freelanced for publications such as Rolling Stone and Sports Illustrated, wrote book reviews and stories for the Los Angeles Times and worked as a copywriter and producer for an advertising agency.

After arriving in New York in 1972, he worked as a feature reporter for WCBS-TV and hosted "Joel Siegel's New York" on WCBS Radio. In 1976, he became the entertainment critic for WABC-TV.

Are you writing the guy’s obituary or his resume? Yawn.

The first movie he reviewed on the air, he told the Tulsa World in 2004, was "Magic," starring Anthony Hopkins as a ventriloquist.

Note to budding staff writers seeking to glean inspiration from the pros: this is the only time you will find any “Magic” in Dennis McLellan’s work. Believe that, homey!

"So I went and got a ventriloquist dummy and did the review, with me saying I liked the movie, and the dummy saying how he hated it," he recalled. "So I got to do another review the next day. And I've kept that in mind, that every day is really an on-air audition."

Of all of the beautiful stories that Siegel told on a collective thousands of hours of videotaped Good Morning America footage, McLellan chooses this?! What the fuck?!

He is survived by his son and wife.

First off, Dennis McLellan, where is the mention of Siegel’s older sister, an L.A. native, who is among the survived? Were you not there at Pink’s on that night a few months back when she raved about Little Miss Sunshine while on line to order her very first Huell Dog? Were you not there when she revealed that whenever Siegel visited our fair city, Pink’s was his favorite destination (and, one prays, not the source of his colon cancer). Were you there, Dennis McLellan? No? Well, I was!

First rule of writing a death notice, Dennis: “Do not omit in an obit.”

Second rule of obituaries: “Research, research, research!” Get off your ass and out of your house, hit the pavement, find out in advance of your subject’s death who they are, where their loved ones eat, and look at the lives they’re living. Trust me on this one, it works.

Most egregiously, McLellan lists Siegel’s surviving relatives following an anecdote about a ventriloquist dummy. Hmmmm….you don’t have to read between the lines to see that McLellan’s sickness is pathological. So, um, Den…just where is the segue between the ventriloquist anecdote and your listing of the survived? Where is the transitional thought? Dummy!

It’s not enough to disrespect the dead, so hey, let’s make it a party and disrespect the living, too! Bet you feel pretty big, eh, big guy? With your newsity newsy news-filled news!

If one has actually “survived” reading an obituary so lugubrious, it’s enough to cross and uncross the eyes of Ella Taylor’s daughter, here comes the ultimate punchline. Here, in a last ditch grab at self-aggrandizement, McLellan signs off with his email address at the end. Perhaps he’s hoping that Brad Pitt’s Plan B production company will approach him with interest in turning his own brilliant review of Magic into a movie? Or Halle Berry will use the email to contact him. Good luck scoring Storm’s digits, Dennis! I hear she makes out like a pro!

Dear Dennis McLellan,
I’m sorry I had to take the piss and vinegar out of you but they ran out down at the bile store.

What were you thinking?

Ever heard of the catch phrase “Show your respects for the dead?” How about the slogan “Rest in peace”? Or does your petty jealousy and career envy have no bounds?

Reading this review…sorry, obituary…it becomes quite obvious that these are the ill-mannered howling of a frustrated movie critic with a review of Magic collecting dust somewhere in his desk drawer. Sure, it is sad, Dennis, that the cruel hand of destiny fancied Siegel’s Magic review over yours, but that film came out in 1978 and we’re halfway into 2007. Get over it!

Here’s a helpful tip: If you have an axe to grind, save it to roll a few more heads down on Spring Street. In fact, it’s amazing that you survived the last round of ethic cleansing at the Times and that you’re still employed. Editorial took quite a hit with those layoffs – a journalistic genocide, if you will – and yet somehow nobody is writing an obituary for your career. Tres triste. On the up side, looks like I won’t have to rip you a new asshole…because you already ARE one!

I’m Karry Ling, reporting for Criticide.