Throwing Stones At Plastic Bubbles

I'm not big on movies. I mean, they're cool, I guess, and a few have gotten under my skin, but for the most part I prefer reading.

Comic books.

Archie, mostly.

Don't judge.

I also have an enormous fear of being shot in the back of the head in a darkened movie theater. Seriously, why hasn't that happened yet? Has there ever been a movie theater massacre? Because it's the perfect place to kill people. It's dark, it's loud, your victims never see it coming... unless your victim is me. I expect to be murdered every time I set foot on that sticky, smelly carpet. That's why I'm sure to make eye contact with every person in the theater before the movie starts. I want to see who looks shady or nervous or distracted so I can be sure to sit far away from them. If they have a backpack or a large coat, I'll actually start to perspire a little. If they get up to go for popcorn during the movie and leave their backpack behind, I start reciting Hail Mary's until they return, just in case there's a bomb in the bag. (I have to say, the Hail Mary's do work. I have yet to be shot or blown to bits in a movie theater. Someone did throw a toilet paper roll at my head once, but that was during a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." And it was actually the one time I wished someone would shoot me during a movie. But I digress.)

Today's review is of a review of a movie I've watched for years in the comfort (and non-violence) of my bedroom -"The Boy In The Plastic Bubble" starring John Travolta. If you haven't seen this masterpiece, you are missing out. Definitely one of the best made-for-TV movies of 1976. And the competition was fierce back then, let me tell you. (Helloo, ABC's "After School Special"). But who cares what I think? Let's see what Randy White of Common Sense Media thinks.

Whatever it's original goofy charm, the movie hasn't aged terribly well. One 13-year-old viewer ridiculed the show and Travolta's performance. She felt that the story and the acting were "too melodramatic" and the long, highly charged pauses overly sensational. She certainly didn't like the girl next door, who she claimed was "nasty, conceited, and too dumb to be a good catch." She also found the haircuts and clothes unattractive.

Randy White don't know shit.

And what's he doing asking a thirteen year old to do his job? Hi, LAZY.

So, now... what? I'm reviewing the review of a review of "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble?" Ugh, I'm over it already.

If you're still reading, here's what I'll say to that anonymous thirteen year old (who is probably Randy White hiding behind an "alias" because what thirteen year old uses the word "melodramatic?" Um... NONE):

Anonymous thirteen year old (AKA Randy White)... were you raised by wolves? You wish you were as cool as the bubble boy. He goes to school via video teleconferencing... in 1976! When's the last time you attended class over an 11" black and white Zenith TV? (Don't even try to say you have, bitch.) He also wears really tiny, tight shorts... and that is hot. He has long feathered hair. Need I say more? No, I needn't. But I must. Because I haven't even mentioned the coolest thing ever... he is allergic to AIR. That is so cutting edge it's, like, embarrassing. (Note to Randy: "like embarrassing" sounds way more tweener than "too melodramatic"... for future reference.) And lastly, thirteen-year-old (AKA Randy White)... girls who are "nasty, conceited and too dumb" are ALWAYS the best catches. Or don't you watch "The Hills?"

So, in closing, I would have to surmise that Randy White's review of a thirteen-year-old's review of "The Boy In The Plastic Bubble" leaves a lot to be desired. In his attempts to be cool (i.e. consulting a "teenager" for his research) the Randster is incredibly uncool. In fact, his commentary reeks of dorkdom. In FACT, in a word, Randy's review is just plain wrong.

I know what you're thinking. Why so harsh, Critty? People are entitled to their opinions.

Yes, they are.

But not if they differ from mine.