Being Franz Kafka

(Note to reader: In my consolidated sympathy with the clan of WGAers and their attempt to fight the good fight, I’ve decided not to write about an actual movie or any of its actual critics. Instead, I will be reviewing a movie that doesn’t exist.)

If there were a single filmmaker roaming the land of dreams capable of committing Franz Kafka’s surreal masterpiece, “The Metamorphosis,” to celluloid, then it would have happened a long time ago—which is why it should surprise nobody that a cinematic super group comprised of Ron Howard, Clint Eastwood, Steven Soderbergh and David Lynch were brought together under the watchful eyes of Brian Grazer and the brothers Weinstein in order to take on the daunting task.

As it’s been well documented in blogs and film forums all over the net, Miramax/Paramount/Warner Bros had one heck of a time getting a filmable screenplay on paper. Grazer had the out-of-the-box idea of bringing in a novelist to adapt Kafka’s short story, settling on Tom Robbins (author of a number of books loved by hippies and hated by most everyone else.) “He’s as close to Kafka as I’ve ever seen in print,” Grazer said, before later admitting to never having read any of Robbins' novels. But Robbins' insistence on adapting Kafka’s short story “from memory” and his refusal to travel outside of Seattle convinced Bob and Harvey Weinstein to excuse him from the project and go with the more obvious choice of Charlie Kaufman. While Kaufman made for a natural fit, negotiations stalled when he refused to sign on to the project unless he was allowed to collaborate with Tom Robbins’ non-existent twin brother, Rob Robbins. The Weinsteins eventually agreed and pre-production was under way.

There is much to be admired on the part of The Filmers of Cinema (as the filmmaking quintuplet was named by Grazer, after a secret tree house meeting with Ron Howard) in the casting of Gregor Samsa, the stories protagonist. Jim Carrey would have been the easy choice, especially after he lobbied for the role by dressing up as a cockroach on every late-night show that would have him. And despite Soderbergh’s insistence that George Clooney would be ideal for the role, because “he’s actually willing to morph into a cockroach to prove his ability as an actor,” it was Lynch who managed to get The Filmers of Cinema to agree on a less obvious choice: Dakota Fanning.

I couldn’t possibly write this review if I didn’t at least acknowledge the much publicized on-set fighting that went on between Ron Howard and Clint Eastwood. The most notorious fight came on the first day of shooting when Howard showed up to the set and Eastwood said, “Hey, who invited Happy Crap to the party?” To which Howard replied, “Yeah, well at least my boxing movie didn’t kill off the main character!” This was met with silence from everybody, except for an out-of-sight Brian Grazer who was heard high-fiving himself behind the crafts service table. The silence was broken when Eastwood retorted by calling Howard a nerd, causing the entire crew to erupt into laughter.

This is a film not to be missed! It’s an extravaganza of cinematic treats! If my eyes were any happier, I would have had to leave them alone with a bottle of lotion and tissue! The world of film has been rocked off its axis and it will take a Herculean effort of dubious proportions to set it back right! I can’t wait to see it!

Cast & Credits

Gregor Samsa: Dakota Fanning
Grete: Natalie Portman
Gregor's father/Gregor’s mother: Adam Sandler

Miramax/Paramount/Warner Bros presents a film directed by The Filmers of Cinema. Written by Charlie Kaufman & Rob Robbins and Tom Robbins. Based on the short story “The Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka. Running time: 302 minutes. Rated R (for intense sequences of violence and some sexual material with insects).