1. See the movie before you review it.
Most film critics are much too busy getting hysterectomies or de-balling surgeries to be bothered by anything as time-consuming as sitting through an entire movie. If they can't watch it on a DVD provided to them in a diamond-encrusted jewel case by the studio, they'll either get their cues from IMDB user reviewers or base their opinions on the trailer. I urge you to take the high road. Don't follow the group. It's possible to be both ethical and a film critic. Don't let them suck you in and convince you otherwise. Remember, you're supposed to like going to the movies. That's why you got into this in the first place. If you're really too busy, buy a pirated DVD version... and tell the doctor to go easy on the anesthesia.
2. No using French words.
Movies with subtitles are bad enough. Movie reviews that need subtitles are intolerable.
3. Don't try to be funny.
If you want to make people laugh, recommend a movie with Ben Stiller in it.
4. Keep it brief.
Ideally, a film review should be no longer than a couple, three words. Beyond "See it" or "Don't see it," there's not much else that needs to be expressed. If you believe your review should include a qualifier, such as "But don't bring the kids" or "Unless you're trying to cheer up your recently widowed grandmother or get laid," that's fine. But, be careful not to break the third commandment.
5. Make sure the title of your review contains no puns or other wordplay.
Puns used to be the lowest form of humor. Now, it's Dane Cook. As for Other Wordplay, it's just not appropriate. If it's a great movie you're reviewing, don't trivialize it. If it's a bad movie, remember - it's still somebody's baby. I'm not saying don't kill the baby. Just put yourself in the film maker's shoes and show a little respect for someone who's about to go through the grieving process.
6. Attempts to be quotable are strictly forbidden.
Hoping to be picked up by the Blurb people is one thing, but writing a review around your bon mots specifically to further your agenda of one day attaining immortality does not serve the public. Besides, your intentions will be obvious to anyone with a trained eye. Winding up on the poster of a Jason Biggs movie is just not worth the risk of coming across as a fame seeker.
7. Any mention of any aspect of your personal life is unacceptable.
Nobody cares about your private life. If you want the world to hear your life story, do something interesting with your life and write a book. Then, get it made into a movie. It's that simple.
8. Judge foreign films by the same standards as you would American films.
For some reason, critics tend to treat foreign films the way Angelina Jolie treats her adopted children. Talking trash about your own and excessively coddling somebody else's is not a sign of good parenting. And it's not a sign of good movie reviewing. What's more, it's insulting to the great foreign film makers. Since this trend in film critiquing has taken hold and virtually become law, have you noticed how much worse our own movies have gotten? Could there possibly be a connection? Could it be that our critics are inadvertently encouraging our directors to learn from and copy the works of overpraised filmmakers from overseas? Count on it!
9. No spoilers.
If you can't tell a story without telling the whole story, you're not a journalist. Take note, if you write "it has a surprise twist ending that you'll never see coming," you've managed to undermine the intention of the film maker - to surprise the audience. Unless you're writing an April Fool's Day review and there is no actual surprise, don't spill the beans.
10. Do not accept cash for your opinions.
An opinion that's paid for is always questionable. Who's to say that you aren't friends with a producer with a new movie that needs hyping? Who's to say you aren't banging an actress who needs a little career push? Who's to say you're not the relative of a lousy screenwriter who's promised to give you a piece of the action?
Warning: If you've already taken studio or production company bribes, we probably already know who you are. We will be posting a list of names on our site in the coming months. If you are on this list and would like to have your name removed from it before we post it, please contact us immediately. We'll work something out.
