SALTY'S TOP TEN FAVORITE REVIEWS OF '07

Mike Nichols' film, "Charlie Wilson's War," was released, as was murder-musical extravaganza "Sweeney Todd," on December 21st. And "The Great Debaters" had a December 25th release. But, this year, the winner of the coveted Best Picture Oscar will be... "There Will Be Blood," released on December 26th. As I write this, the closing credits of its first showing are still rolling and won't end until the second chorus of Auld Lang Syne. In Hollywood, that's what's called, "a shoe-in." The least forgettable is always the most recent, they'd have us believe.

The best movies are the most memorable, and, if up to snuff, should be resilient enough to withstand a release date anywhere between July and January. The best film reviews, however, tend to be, in this humble Critissassin's opinion, the least memorable. The way to judge a film review isn't by its in-depth analysis, by its quotable, witty look-at-me writing, or even by its interpretive ingenuity. The sole purpose of a review, unfortunately only in theory, is to get you off your lazy ass and into a movie theater. If it does that, it's a winner (unless the review was a merciless pan, intended to keep you at home and out of that theater seat). While I cannot give you The Best Film Reviews Of '07 (subjectivity, yada...), I will provide you with a list of my Top Ten Favorite Film Reviews Of 2007.

TOP TEN FAVORITE FILM REVIEWS OF 2007 (in no particular order) :

1. "Juno" - Great Movie, 13 November 2007

Author: dougiejr3 from Houston, TX

I saw this movie and was really looking forward to it, because I liked the director's last offering, "Thank You For Smoking". I was completely knocked off of my feet! The humor was completely entertaining and didn't dwindle into a perverted cuss fest like some other comedy offerings of late (Superbad). The actors did a tremendous job - J.K. Simmons (no longer will he just be remembered for Spiderman), Ellen Page was incredible (finally a movie to like her in - Hard Candy was just too creepy, sorry), and Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner are paired up once again (also paired in The Kingdom) and play the embattled parents to be of this new child while facing their own demons in their struggling marriage. The movie was just very real, and also gives anyone hope that good things can come out of seemingly bad and insurmountable odds. Go and see this film!

Why can't they all be this straightforward?!?! Thanks, Dougiejr3 from Houston.

2. "No Country For Old Men" - Cleaning up pieces of brain and skull around theater after my head exploded, 21 November 2007

Author: judiquer from Canada

Amazing acting, cinematography, sound, and plot development. This movie has it all going off. Drink it like a 25 year Scotch. Slow and deliberate. It's not so much about finishing it as it is enjoying the tastes, smells, sounds, and sights along the way. Can't wait to watch it again. It comes at a time where Hollywood is content soaking us in a stagnant pool of mediocrity. Breath in this fresh air people, take comfort in the fact that there are still those out there that care deeply about making great films. The Coens use of lesser known actors for pivotal roles can only attest to their vision. Big name actors playing leads can often be the Achilles heel of a potentially epic film. Past performances have a way of bleeding into the project. The Coen brothers tread carefully here ensuring that no compromises are made in the telling of this gripping story.

Intelligent, heartfelt, and, but for its title, no nonsense. I know it sounds pretentious - ME, putting a foreign film review in my top ten, but great is great. Two words: Oh, Canada! I didn't read this critique until after I'd seen the film, but it made me want to see it a third time (I'd already planned on seeing it a second time).

3. "Because I Said So" - It's just fun :), 3 February 2007

Author: molkath17 from United States

I don't want to lie to you, I'm not a Diane Keaton fan, nor am I a Mandy Moore fan. Besides asking yourself why I even saw this movie, you should wonder how it managed to get a 9 from me despite my tastes.

Well, I went because my friends wanted to see it. And I gave it a 9 because I thought it was surprisingly good. It's not intense, it's not fast-paced, it's not a mind-bender. It's just a fun thing to watch. Diane Keaton is energetic and so much fun - and I promise you that by the end of the movie, she'll have (in some way or another) reminded you of your own mother. And Mandy Moore is very good as the quirky daughter who is, in reality, very much like her mother. It's just a sweet tale - most likely for women only - that reminds girls and their mothers that they're not alone in the battles. (Though viewers be warned - there's a little sexual content. And a little more conversation about sexual content...)

There's nothing terribly unique about it, but the writing is good and the plot is entertaining. There aren't going to be any surprises, it's just entertaining, lively, and very sweet.

Judging from the trailer, the subject of this movie review looked like a run of the mill bad comedy. I haven't seen it, nor to I plan on seeing it. I imagine it's probably not as funny as "Dan In Real Life," but I don't plan on seeing that either. Professional critics despised the former, and embraced the latter. But, after reading Molkath 17's review, I am more likely to see the worst-reviewed film of the year, "Because I Said So," than the Dane Cook movie. Check out Molkath's other succinct bad review of "Black Dahlia," just in case you think he/she likes all shitty movies.

4. "Norbit" - Murphy brothers have a hit!, 9 February 2007

Author: gfygoober17 from Illinois

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

Eddie Murphy has put out the best movie of 2007(as of yet anyways). was a bit leery of going to see Norbit, but glad i did now. While seeing trailers in the theater i envisioned another meet the Klumps but Eddie solidified this movie by casting some great supporting roles, ala terry crew(longest yard, click) Cuba Gooding Jr(for once not playing a sweet and innocent character), Kat Williams, Eddie Griffen(undercover brother). Im sure I'm forgetting some but these supporting roles help solidify Norbit. Norbit not only has a good cast of black actors, but the story line is Definitely Original and funny. Norbit had me laughing so loud that i actually missed some lines in the movie. Eddie's character Mr.Wong steals the show, just wish there was a little more from Charlie Murphy. Don't know many actors that can pull off multiple characters in one movie, that is definitely Eddies talent.

Okay, this is one is a guilty pleasure. This must've been a studio-bought review. Not only is this the only entry at IMDB by its author (a clear indication of a phony critique - for now, anyway), but then there's the obvious "let's not be too obvious 9-star instead of 10-star rating." This review gets me everytime. Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps, I read it and it makes me remember why I got into the criticiding business in the first place. A must-read for anyone suffering from clinical depression.

5. "Transformers" - Best summer flick of 2007., 27 June 2007

Author: Liquid47 from Auckland, New Zealand

I watched this film at an advanced screening in New Zealand. I loved Transformers as a child, but was not a die hard fan, so I did not complain over the changes. However, I had decent expectations for this movie as people were saying it's better than expected.

I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. However, it did fall a little flat on what I expected it to be. It's Michael Bay, ladies and gents, don't expect anything more.

Transformers begins with the reason for the alien robots' existence. How the all important AllSpark (essentially the life giver) was lost into the vacuum of space after the robots divided between good and evil. Falling onto Earth, a handful of these entities travelled the galaxy to find this all important device. Great premise, but how about the execution? Visually, the film is astounding. ILM have outdone themselves once again and have created top notch visuals for others to measure up to. The robots look real, feel weighty yet elegant, and with every Bay movie, there are explosions. And what beautiful explosions they are. This is complemented with a hit-and-miss musical score. At times, the score is cinematic brilliance. At other times, you wonder why Linkin Park was included, when sequences with emotional pieces are suddenly juxtaposed with the current Billboard Hot 100.

The acting is competent. I thought that with a cast mostly compromised of underwear models and hip hop artists, I would be disappointed. Shia LaBeouf (Sam Witwicky), Josh Duhamel (Cpt. Lennox), Tyrese Gibson (Sgt. Epps), and even Megan Fox (Mikaela) delivered surprisingly well. Even with Jon Voigt in the cast, you cannot see a distinct line in ability between the seasoned vet and relative new comers. But although the acting was top notch, it was severely hampered by the script.

The script, to put it frankly, does not take itself seriously. At all. Firstly, there was a lack of story. Autobots and Decepticons want the AllSpark. One wants to defend it. The other wants to use it. Battle. Fin. Secondly, I could not remember one scene that did not have some humorous one liner put in to make the audience laugh. Even in the most grave of sequences, did some joker blurt out something (admittedly) funny, making you wonder "Wait.... Earth's in danger, and you're cuing for a crash on the drums?!" Some of the script was clever, and in the parts which were appropriately funny, hit the nail on the head (Shia LaBeouf is a child prodigy in comedy).

Transformers. Everyone wants to know "What about the Transformers?". Well, personally, they were simply awesome. They could have been more 2D than they were and I still would have liked them. Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Jazz, Frenzy, Ratchet... Megatron, Starscream, Bonecrusher, Barricade and Ironhide -- they were masterfully put on film.

However, only two of those actually got a decent amount of character development -- Bumblebee and Optimus Prime. Bumblebee, being the first Transformer Sam sees, and Optimus, of course gets plenty of screen time being the Autobot leader. It's a shame that the Decepticons were only there to be the "bad guys", even Megatron. It would have definitely benefited the movie if all the robots were fleshed out and given some emotional attachment to the crowd. It doesn't, and this does have a few repercussions towards the end of the movie. Nevertheless, it was enjoyable to see them wreak havoc in different countries, and with the inevitable sequel, one can only hope that we get to know more about these "loveable" mechanical beings.

It is definitely the must see summer flick of the year, and whilst not Oscar material, it is one of the best 'popcorn' movies of recent times.

While I will probably die before recommending a Michael Bay movie to anyone, I will recommend this review to anybody with a closed a mind as mine when it comes to Mr. Bay's life's work. It actually, for once, made me feel like a jaded, old, wet blanket for pre-judging. Then, it made me angry for feeling that way. For me, this review was an emotional rollercoaster. Maybe not my favorite Liquid47 review, but it spoke to me on a personal level.

6. "Lucky You" - Part chick flick, part poker story; a failure at both, 2 January 2008

Author: ntsci from canada

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

To sum this mess up "Lucky You" is 1 part chick flick, 1 part poker story and it is a miserable failure at both.

Who is the intended audience? My wife and I watched it together, I fast forwarded at 1.5 speed (where one can still here the vocal track) through the chick flick bits (they even managed to make sex boring) and she wanted to fast forward through the poker bits. But neither of us thought much of the film.

The poker in the film is lame. This is not a film for poker fans!!! Seeing real bets by real players, for stakes in the millions can be exciting. Watching well staged hands in seedy card club where life hangs in the balance (e.g., Rounders, Cincinatti Kid) can also be exciting in a film. But watching actors mess it up with fake posturing in a fake tournament, and folding out of sympathy (to his hated dad!), just isn't exciting to watch. To make matter worse nothing is really riding upon the game. Big deal if he make up with his dad, nothing in the film makes us care one way or the other.

I give it a two because the stupid lengths that Huck the gambler goes through to get his cash may educate someone. I told my daughter, you meet a guy like this dump him. But the movie unfortunately has a happy ending for the lovers (til they get the next rent if due notice). I'd have given it a 4 if she had dumped the loser and found someone more reliable to get it on with (his dad for example).

Overall, the film is one unrelentingly boring film.

Being a die-hard Texas Hold 'Em addict, I am naturally interested in poker movies and have seen every American film about the subject. Needless to say, I was not looking forward to this namby-pamby, watered-down-looking bullshit movie. Robert Duvall or no Robert Duvall. But, I had to see it, I thought. Then, after reading this review of "Lucky You" and the favorable review in The L.A. Weekly by some jackass critic who actually had the audacity to put it in the same league with the films of Preston Sturges, I decided, "No, I will not waste two hours of my life." In Gambler's Anonymous, they teach you that the money you have lost is not as important as the time you have lost. I saved both my time and my money. Lucky me.

7. "Sicko" - Before your criticize it, watch it, 19 June 2007

Author: slimfan from United States

Some of you posting here are a little confused. Michael Moore is as patriotic an American as there is. Let's not forget that a TRUE patriot is someone who will speak out against injustice -- even when perpetrated by his government. The big lie promulgated by the radical Right is that Socialized Medicine = Socialism/Communism. The unsophisticated and uneducated masses in this country believe it: they think that waving the flag and "supporting the President" mean they love America. But America is not the President. America is not the Administration. Think for yourselves. Michael Moore has debunked the LIES spread by the insurance industry: the Canadian system works and ALL Canadians like it. Same for the Brits and the French. Someone wrote, "...I disagree with his facts..." and that makes NO SENSE -- a fact is a fact and is not open to interpretation. The FACT is that thousands of our fellow Americans die unnecessarily every year because they cannot afford medical treatment. It's not because they would rather spend their money on recreational drugs. It's not because they're "livin' large" at the taxpayers' expense. It's because there's no money left for insurance after rent, food, clothing, transportation to/from work, student loans and taxes (mostly used to fund the war in Iraq). It's because we live in a country that values corporate profits over human lives. It's because there is no such thing as a corporate conscience. It's because we allow the un-Christian, Undemocratic, IMMORAL practice of "for profit" health care. When a doctor working for a health insurance company is awarded bonuses for rejecting the most legitimate claims, there is something very wrong with that company -- and the industry. Wake up America. The insurance industry hopes you're stupid. The Bush Administration thinks you are. Don't be a sap.

Don't usually like reviews about documentaries, but since I'm a liberal loony, I have to make an exception for a positive critique of a Michael Moore film, if only to spread my virus-like, lefty philosophy throughout the world. Make no mistake, we will get to you.

8. "The Bucket List" - You don't need to know the plot, 30 December 2007

Author: lancedulak from United States

You don't need a fancy overly wordy review. You just need to go see this movie. If you don't you will have missed out on one of the true works of beauty in this lifetime.

The Bucket list is the finest work either Jack Nicholson or Morgan Freeman have ever done, and that says volumes. Its a movie that made a 40something southern truck driver laugh while his heart broke and cry while his heart filled with joy.

Two things happen to those who see this movie: They want to talk to someone they never thought they would. They vow to do something they never thought they could.

Go see this movie.

Yes, this review may be shocking to some who enjoy egghead condescension and overly thought out opinions, but talk about a tearjerker. When the author revealed himself as a 40 something truck driver who could laugh and cry, I went through an entire box of kleenex (and NOT for the usual reason!!!). While I have yet to see the film, as Lancedulak insists we all should, I personally feel that should I ever have the urge to laugh or cry, which is highly unlikely, I could just re-read this review and save a few bucks.

9. "Atonement" - Stunning, 15 September 2007

Author: Phoebe Inglis from Grimsby
I had been so excited to see Atonement since the first time I saw it advertised. Now that tonight I have finally been able to see it I have been left stunned, and now it is all I can think about. The romance between Cecelia and Robbie..is amazing, the chemistry that the two actors have together is captivating and every time they were together I felt pangs in my heart. The two younger actresses who play as Briony are amazing. As I live in Grimsby and I knew that one of the scenes is played in Grimsby I wanted to look out for it, but I was so captivated by the film that I completely forgot to look out for Grimsby. Though I would be glad to see it again, and this time I will try to tear my eyes away from the beauty of the scenery, and acting, and look out for Grimsby. Though this film is a 15 certificate, I begged my mum to buy me tickets, as I am only 14. All I can say is this film is beautiful, and will have you crying, I'm sure of it.

How charming is that? A 14 year-old kid - from Grimsby of all places. I never knew of Grimsby until I read this review. And now, I'll be looking out for Grimsby myself - in all kinds of movies. I'm glad Phoebe is actively taking part in the revolution to put professional critics the world over... OUT OF WORK! Honorary Critissassin Phoebe, keep up the good work.

10. "The Number 23" - Lame, 3 March 2007

Author: The_Defiant1 from United States

This movie has no respect for the viewer's time. It takes a 15 minute story and stretches it into 95 minutes. In order to achieve this, they have to use a very slow narration and have everyone run around with some implausible frantic angst. By the time this movie showed anything interesting in the plot, I just didn't care. The problem is not in the acting, but instead the pacing. The story is just weak. Jim Carrey is a capable actor, but his attempts to inject light humor into a serious role is just out of place. His style of humor is not generic, so he comes across as a watered down version of himself. The number 23 causes great grief and frustration to the people in the story, but the justification for this is never logical. At most it's just mildly interesting. Jim Carrey has far more ability in a serious role than this movie reveals. Don't waste your money seeing this in the theater. Rent this movie if you've had problems sleeping. If you are still wide awake after 10 minutes, then you liked it more than I did. I was not fond of the lighting and artistic aspects of the film making either. A lot of passive visual eye candy was thrown at the viewer with lighting or effects and it did little to enhance the already weak story.

Hate to close on a downer, but I couldn't resist the forthright dislike TheDefiant1 had for the Jim Carrey stinker. Somehow managing to paint a portrait without using the spoiler brush, TheDefiant1 is an artist who can get his point across without resorting to humor, that is unless he was joking about the film's sleep-inducing properties, but I don't think he was. I actually did start to watch this movie and fell asleep about ten minutes into it. Amazing. Power of suggestion? Maybe. All I know is I bought a bootleg and threw away the Nytol. Thanks, The.

EIGHT CRAZY ANTI-SEMITES

Today is the last day of (this year's) Hanukkah, and I'd like to leave you all with a long overdue gift. Below, I have listed eight anti-Semitic film critics, most if not all of whom are still making decent wages in the business of opinion-whoring. How do I know they're anti-Semitic? Who else but ignorant haters of Judaism would print such nasty, vicious things about the first Hanukkah movie, Adam Sandler's 2002 animated holiday masterwork, "Eight Crazy Nights," now on DVD. Surely, these excerpts will convince you that my allegations are not completely unfounded:

1.

"The innocence of holiday cheer ain't what it used to be."
- Sean Axmaker, Seattle Post Intelligencer

Mr. Axmaker apparently seems to think a movie (EVEN JUST ONE MOVIE) about Hanukkah ruins holiday cheer for "the rest of us." Ah, yes, remember what it used to be like when there were NO Hanukkah movies?!? "8 Crazy Nights" was a long time coming and I personally hope there's a sequel in the making.

2.

"This animated abomination is so desperately awful that one walks away amazed at the power Sandler must wield in Hollywood to get it released at all."
- Dawn Taylor, Portland Tribune

Oh, I see. The Jews run Hollywood. That old chestnut that's been roasting on an open fire for the last 85 years. If that's the case, why has the world had to wait this long for one, single, solitary movie revolving around "The Other Holiday?"

3.

"Goes on and on to the point of nausea."
- Gary Brown, Houston Community Newspapers

It seems pretty clear that Mr. Braun is not talking about any feature-length cartoon, but the real Hanukkah, which lasts over one week long. Shame on him for showing such little respect for a holiday he knows little or nothing about and the chosen people whom he chooses to continually misunderstand. Without the Macabees, we'd all be using PCs.

4.

"A bigger holiday downer than your end-of-year 401(k) statement."
- Scott Craven, Arizona Republic

Man-O-Manishevitz. Did he really bring up an accountant reference for the stereotypical Jews and money tie-in? Wow, Scotty must've been a real hit at the 2002 Flagstaff-branch Ku Klux Kristmas Party for that one.

5.

"The most ill-conceived animated comedy since the 1991 dog Rover Dangerfield."
- Bruce Fretts, Entertainment Weekly

Two Jews with one stone. Happy Holidays, brought to you by yet another egg nog-swilling schmuck.

6.

"The Hanukkah spirit seems fried in pork." - David Elliot, San Diego Union-Tribune

What unmitigated gall. To ridicule a time-honored tradition and religious custom during the holidays (It was during Hanukkah of '02 when he wrote the article). By the way, does anybody know if reindeer is kosher?

7.

"Unlike Trey Parker, Sandler doesn't understand that the idea of exploiting molestation for laughs is funny, not actually exploiting it yourself."
- Stephen Himes, Film Snobs

Comparing Trey "The Gentile" Parker to Adam "The Jew" Sandler is like comparing a Christmas fart to a Hanukkah dump and saying Christmas is better. And since when did anything Trey Parker ever produce anything suitable for children?

8.

"It leaves a far worse taste in your mouth than that old holiday fruitcake in your freezer." - David Levine, Filmcritic.com

The worst kind of anti-Semite. A Jewish anti-Semite. Unless he's a goy who changed his name. And what's this about Mr. Levine keeping an old holiday fruitcake in the freezer? I mean, didn't Jeffrey Dahmer do time for that?

There you have it. The Menorah From Hell. All eight candles have been blown out, but unfortunately these cretinous hatemongers continue to parade their narrow-minded, bigoted opinions in the name of free speech, not unlike the nazis who marched in Skokie, Illinois several years back. Only you can stop them. Write letters. A lot of 'em. To the the JDL, to the Anti-Defamation League, and to the critics themselves. Maybe by next Passover, these intolerant foot soldiers for the Christian agenda will have no platform but the blogosphere from which to spew their venomous rage.

SANTANIC VERSES

A few weeks ago, Time Magazine's film critic Richard Corliss conjured up malice in his bowels and shat out a whopping two-page turd, a requiem for the Holy Day and all it represents. The title of his article is "The Claus That Wouldn't Fly." The crucified party? "Fred Claus," the new X-mas movie starring Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti.

"Emitting a stale odor from the first reel, Fred never engaged the audience of kids and adults that I saw it with. There were neither big laughs nor the kind of warmth you can feel when moviegoers are connecting with the stuff on-screen."

That's a fair jab, assuming Mr. Corliss did not view the film in question at a NAMBLA-sponsored screening. Otherwise, consider this: It's a given that victimized children are not the best judges of comedy. Some of them might not even find Woody Allen movies funny. Not only that, they generally tend to have a certain amount of disdain for the chubby man who invites children into his lap for photos, if only once a year.

As for Corliss, since when did the opinions of others, especially fucked-up kids, amount to a hill of diddly-squat to him? And why is he shoehorning words such as "phallic" and "pornographized" into an article about a Holiday movie for kids? That takes some twisted gonads, let me tell you. All right, taken in context, his implication is that behind "Fred Claus," there's a nasty, nasty writer. I don't know how anyone could write such a thing about Dan Fogelman, who wrote "Lipshitz Saves The World," but okay. Could be true, I guess. I haven't seen the film. But it's more likely, I think, that a nasty, nasty critic is working overtime to spread joylessness by campaigning against the true meaning of Christmas.

The Scrooge-y screwball then winds up for the pitch:

"I have a scenario for the never-to-be-made Fred Claus II: the elves unionize, realizing that they get paid even less than the 12-year-old Chinese girls who paint lead onto American kids' toys. If Willie and his pals were to call a work stoppage this Dec. 23, the labor movement could score its first quick victory in decades."

In addition to trivializing the labor movement (and especially the WGA Strike) with utter stupidity, Corliss also seems to think it's okay to mock victimized 12-year-old Chinese girls. Again, this is a review about a holiday movie for kids! Did somebody say Ho-Ho-Ho Chi Minh?

Now, here's an excerpt from an article posted by Joan Walsh on Salon.com several weeks ago:

"On Tuesday I blogged about Rush Limbaugh's claim to have threatened a journalist at a national magazine into writing a more positive story about him. On Wednesday, New York magazine film critic David Edelstein (writing on his blog) suggested the journalist Limbaugh intimidated was Time's Richard Corliss, who wrote a 1995 cover story on Limbaugh (Salon reader Jim H. had also guessed the magazine in question might be Time)."

Infighting amongst film critics? Christmas has come early this year. Mind you, I've never been an advocate of naming names (and there's a few I'd like to call Edelstein, believe me), but anyone who rips on a film critic, even if he himself is a film critic, is helping our cause. For that, Mr. Edelstein deserves a thank you wrapped in a neat little bow and stuffed in his waiting coffin. Much appreciated.

Let's say Mr. Corliss speaks the truth when he says that he was never threatened by Mr. Lamebaugh. If we rule out any sort of pay-off, this means the glow-job he gave America's most popular evil-doing, fart-mouthed shock jock was intentionally sycophantic. Maybe they're on the same page politically. Maybe, during pillow-talk, they discuss how much they hate "the gays." Maybe they go to the same church, I don't know. One thing is for sure. If Corliss is in league with a fat man in a red suit, it certainly isn't Santa.

ISHTARRED AND FEATHERED AGAIN

This month, Edgar Wright (director of "Shaun Of The Dead" and "Hot Fuzz) is hosting a series of his personal favorite films at the legendary New Beverly Cinema. Last Sunday, three of us Critissassins were fortunate enough to have been present for the tail end of his tribute to songwriting icon Paul Willams, who was in house for the occasion. Or perhaps the occasion was in house for him. I'm not certain. But I do know there was a camera crew and a sign on the front door: "You are being filmed for a Paul Williams documentary."

First, "Bugsy Malone" was screened. Then, "Phantom Of The Paradise." I came just in time for the third feature, a secret after-midnight showing advertised in the papers - with a wink and a nod - as "Dangerous Business." The actual title of the secret movie, I guess, was not unleashed on the masses for fear that it might keep even the "BM" and "Phantom" fans from attending. The film, one of the most critically-maligned comic masterpieces in cinematic history, is the prescient, hilarious political satire/paean/homage to Hope-Crosby road pictures, "ISHTAR," starring Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman, Isabelle Adjani, Charles Grodin, and Jack Weston.

Before the lights went down for the third time that night, Mr. Wright and Mr. Williams took the stage to introduce the film. Soon after, The Divine Edgar confessed that he had not yet seen the film and was looking forward to it (I guess that's the real reason he didn't advertise it as one of his favorite films).

"But, somebody else in here has seen it (or words to that effect)... Quentin?"

Suddenly, sideways baseball hat-wearing "Ishtar" superfan Quentin Tarantino power-walked down the aisle like he'd just won the palme d'or. Grabbing the mic white hip-hop artist-style (sans the bling), the winded Quarantino professed his unwavering support for the mother of all box office bombs.

One unfunny utterance after another. Quel response? Laughter from the pews. He reminisced about how when he saw "Ishtar" for the first time, at a screening, he was seated directly behind its writer-director, the great Elaine May. "Miss May," he had the gonads to call her, as if to say - She belongs in a magazine, not in a director's chair. She should show us her beaver and shut the fuck up !

He claimed that during that screening, she laughed through the whole of "Ishtar." Why bring that up? Was there ever any doubt that she has a sense of humor?!?!

Then, Mr. T did the unthinkable. He actually sang one of the delightfully (and DELIBERATELY bad songs from the film. The song, "Hot Fudge Love," only has eleven words in it, but he couldn't even manage to get them right. Big fan. Big joke.

After the song and the audience appreciation, Quentin asked Mr. Williams why the soundtrack was not ever made available to the public. Williams said something about Warren Beatty, then suggested that a fully produced soundtrack with Warren and Dustin (as Lyle and Chuck) could surface should a talented hot director consider... doing a remake!!!! At this point, my fellow Critissassins and I booed and hissed. I'm sure Williams didn't mean to add insult to the already insulted and injured "Miss May," but really. It's like suggesting Tarantino remake that other classic dud, "Citizen Kane," which also initially succumbed to the mercy of film critics nationwide.

Finally, the lights dimmed. And did they show "Ishtar?" Yes, but not before bombarding everyone with trailers of lousy movies that cost a lot of money to make. Like critics or Goebbels, the involved parties pre-conditioned the mush-minded with squeaky-wheeled propaganda - lumping together an underrated comic gem with "Hudson Hawk," doing exactly what the critics did in 1987, ensuring a flop. Of course only five or six of us in the audience were in stitches while the rest sat idly waiting for a face that mugs or a cockney accent. In their defense, I will say this. Though silent throughout, most stuck it through to the end, which was pretty late. About 3:30.

And what did they do as the credits rolled? Surprisingly, and inexplicably, after hundreds of minutes of dumbfounded silence, they applauded. Loudly. Sometimes, under the right circumstances, the public can be every bit as mind-bogglingly infuriating as professional film critics.