THERE WILL BE BLOODLUST

Well, the smarms at the Village Voice (L.A. Weekly, etc.) have done it again. In an article entitled "2007 Film Poll: If It Bleeds, It Leads," authors unknown have conspired to perpetuate this year's biggest myth... that last year's best film was "There Will Be Blood." It's "startlingly original"... no, it's "Citizen Kane"... no, it's better than "Citizen Kane"... it's "Citizen Kane" meets "Giant"... only with lots of head-bonking, an under-developed main character (revolutionary for a movie with a running time of 2hrs. and 38 minutes), the look and feel of an HBO mini-series, lame humor, and Daniel Day Lewis' half-Snidely Whiplash, half-John Wilkes Booth over-performance (which will likely win him the coveted gold statuette).

What upset me about the aforementioned article was this:

A more useful category, addressing as it does the tyranny of conventional wisdom, would be Most Overrated. For that, I’d happily mark down No Country for Old Men. In formal terms, the Coen brothers’ latest pinball machine is obviously superior to 90 percent of the year’s releases. But it’s also a soulless enterprise, with nothing more on its mind than the expert manipulation of the spectator, critics included.

This led me to write the following two reactionary paragraphs:

Unlike the heavy-handedly manipulative P.T. Barnum-like P.T. Anderson film, this "pinball machine," as the unknown author(s) of the article refers to it, is a film that defies category and might be, even with all its praise, the Most Underrated film of '07. The distinction of the Most Overrated belongs entirely to the critics' consensus winner, "There Will Be Blood." Yes, "No Country For Old Men" is a film that is outwardly exciting. It's scary. It's funny. It's thought provoking. It's visceral. Yes, it has entertainment value. Last time I checked, that was a good thing. But, more importantly, it's a far deeper film than "Blood," if only in its subtext. Yes, both films touch on similar themes - Greed and Existence. "Blood" hits not only its castmembers over the head again and again and again and again, it inflicts the same abuse on the audience. In other words, it's this year's "Crash."

As for The Coen Bros., they seemed to have taken the criticisms of their former films by their critics ("cold, soulless...") to heart. The joke is on their detractors, though. Joel and Ethan seemed to take these criticisms and... push the soulless thing even further in "No Country." A big F.U. to the opinion whores. Ironically, what many critics are not aware of is that the icy coldness is all surface. There is emotion, but it's not pushed into our faces like banana cream pies. It's buried deep in our collective subconscious, where it is ultimately most effective. This apparently is only acceptable if it's shipped to us from overseas in a huge crate with the word "Subtle" painted on it. Having said that, there's one scene near the end of the film that has more old-fashioned emotion packed into it than there is in the entire near-three hour tour that is "Blood." The Coens made a brilliant, original, purposefully ill-structured film (the movie itself is as unpredictable as life). And, unlike Anderson's film, which in my opinion does not even withstand the test of length, "No Country For Old Men" will withstand the test of time.

Good God... now they've got me writing film reviews!

ELLA: FIRST LADY OF WRONG

Just came across a mind-blow in a recent L.A. Weekly that I never got around to reading until now. The piece, written by my old nemesis - and I do mean old - and crotchety, was appropriately entitled "BLOG THIS: 2007's BEST: NO ARGUMENT ABOUT THIS LIST."

To her credit, in this article, with a knee-jerk/nod to the existence of "The Everyman" (and his/her incorruptible opinions), Ella Taylor seems to be finally acknowledging us (Critissassins) and the rest of the angry bloggers across the universe who are dedicated to bringing about change in Hollywood's equivalent to the broken down system in Washington D.C.

"Unless you count a slight preponderance of anthropomorphic rats (mercifully fewer than last year's penguins), a wavelet of features that colonized the Iraq war in order to try and pour some juice back into the ailing action picture, or the miserable box-office numbers of dozens of independent films, the only trend worth mentioning in 2007 was the unseemly war of words between print critics and bloggers, the former an endangered species and the latter an emergent group with all the testy insecurity that entails.

To my mind, this battle goes nowhere, not just because sooner or later we'll all be bloggers, but because I can't remember a year of such across-the-board consensus in Top 10 lists on and off the Web - mine included, unranked, arbitrary and subject to change."

If the battle puts the nail in the coffin of the professional film critic and hastens Miss Ella's dead-on (I think) prediction that "sooner or later we'll all be bloggers," then the battle does not, as she mindlessly states it does, go nowhere.

ELLA TAYLOR'S "UNRANKED, ARBITRARY AND SUBJECT TO CHANGE" TOP TEN LIST:

There Will Be Blood.

Manufactured Landscapes and The Host.

Away From Her and The Savages.

4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days and Lake of Fire.

Ratatouille.

Once.

Persepolis.

Knocked Up.

The Band's Visit.

Killer of Sheep.

First of all, what's with the ties for 2nd, 3rd, 4th place (especially since there is no ranking order? It seems as thought, this is not her Top 10, but her weasely Top 13. Second of all, a "Best Of '07" list that does not include "No Country For Old Men" is not a list to be tossed aside lightly," to paraphrase Dorothy Parker. "It should be thrown with great force."

This list, as promised, does not bear any resemblance to any other list. This, I think, was a decision made by the high cabal of pro-crits who have noticed, as Taylor confesses to have, that their profession is breathing its last. The ultimatum handed down to them? Be perceived as "of the people... vary your picks," as if to say "Act human. Not only is this crucial to our survival, but it may mean our livelihood." Replicants, all of them.

But for Taylor (as well as Nathan Lee and a handful of other Nexus 6 critics) to overlook "No Country For Old Men," its writing, direction, and acting? Simply unforgivable. Throwing into the mix from hell a by-the-numbers big budget Apatow film as well as a slew of obnoxiously heavy-handed, cartoonishly simplistic foreign films does not whitewash the almost-criminal omission of one of the most original films to grace the screen in recent years - including the gory "There Will Be Blood," which I am frankly afraid to see due to Smella's recommendation. From watching the trailers (how I judge most films), it looks more like "There Will Be Overacting." If Daniel Day-Lewis, the heir apparent to Laurence Olivier (who should've stuck to stage work, where all that projection and grandstanding is considered a plus), has done anything different here from what he did in "My Left Foot" or "The Gangs Of New York," I'll eat my derby. Uhh... I guess it's time for an apologetic shout-out to DD-L. Alas, my beef is not with him. I'm sure he did the usual bangers and mash job (and without the use of microphones). My beef is with Ella and Ella alone...

Ella, who ragged on "Sicko" (the luke warm review that inspired this blog - now, she's put it up as one of her also-rans). Ella, who couldn't even bring herself to put "No Country" in her list of runners-up. Ella, who did in fact include into her runners-up list both "The Lookout" (one of the most moronic heist films you will ever see - or not see, if you're lucky) and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry."

Ooops, I just thought of something. What if she didn't see "No Country For Old Men?!?!?"

If she didn't, I'll eat her derby.

ECOMANIA AT THE CRITICS CHOICE AWARDS

Last night, not only did countless producers, directors, talented actors and/or movie stars cross our invisible picket line in front of the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, where the 13the Annual Critics Choice Awards were held, but so did scores of writers and hyphenates. Since The Critics Choice Awards isn't a guild signatory, the WGA did not picket the event, which enabled stars to attend as both nominees and presenters. But that's not the real reason celebrities and scribes across L.A. caved in to the opinion whores. Word has it that the critics lured talent with gift bags that included 24 items worth more than $8500. $8500!!! Talk about a bribe! Most writers don't make that kind of scratch in a year, the WGA would have us believe.

What exactly was in each bag? Eco-stuff, what else!?! And too many things to list here, but I will try to give you the gist: Environmentally friendly cosmetics (green make-up, in honor of deceased critic Joel Siegel, no doubt), an eco-friendly resort stay, a waterless carwash (I kid you not!), recycled cashmere, gold jewelry (?), a messenger bag made out of recycled rubber (sure to upset The Pope), and, among many other things, wooden sunglasses (big with the Amish).

Highlight of the night? Presenter Steve Zahn's line: "Ideally, as an actor, it would be great if the writers would return and the critics would go on strike."